Confusion

I didn't go to church today. I said I didn't feel well. I actually feel awful. Not physically, but emotionally I am a wreck. I think it started yesterday morning with a note on myspace from someone I never want to talk to again. There it was. Just a "Hey" with a request to be my "friend." How many times in how many different ways do I have to tell this person, "No, we are not and will not be friends?" I spent the day looking over my shoulder, sure he was going to find me. And worse, out me. Out me to my husband, to my new friends, telling them all what a fraud I am. I read Fran's blog. It made me feel better. For about an hour or so. Then I cam crashing back down. An off hand comment from my husband (who absolutely had no idea what he was saying or what I had been going through all day, he would never intentionally say something to upset me) sent me backwards. Back to the feelings of complete worthlessness I felt before I knew him. Before he showed me Jesus. I was up half the night, feeling like I don't belong. I don't belong here in this marriage, here in this church, here in this relationship with the Lord. It all belongs to someone else. Someone more deserving.

I think this all starts with my week of mixed emotions. It was Korey's first week of summer vacation. The first one I have got to spend with him in 4 years. We had a lot of fun this week; we rode our bikes swimming, and to the library, and on a picnic. Spent time with our cousins. It was lots of fun.

The down side of all this fun was the baby shower. Or baby showers. Just one this week, but three in the past few months. I have hosted them all. And with each one I get a little more bitter. I have a little less fun. And I cry a little more at home when they are done. When will it be my turn? Why does it feel like every one around me can have a baby and I can't? I talk to the mom's-to-be with love and feigned interest in their pregnancy stories. I hold the babies at church. I even love these moms. But, please, Lord, please can it be my turn? Not this month.

The past few weeks I have really been wondering what I am called to do. Should I go back to school so I can teach? Should I find a job to help support my family in the lifestyle we are accustomed to? Do I continue to help Pastor Dave as his sort-of secretary? Do I just try to be a homemaker? I say try because I am really not good at it. I'm not crafty. I don't keep it clean the way I should. I can't really cook. I feel like I am not qualified for the job I have now. People say do what you enjoy. I enjoyed being pregnant. I enjoy being a mom. Soon Korey will be back in school, then what? No child at home to be a mom to.

Sitting on the couch this morning, listening to the radio while my poor husband tries to console me, He spoke to me, like He has so many times before, through Casting Crowns:

I was sure by now,
God You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen"
And it's still raining

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God that gives and takes away

I am reminded of how He gives and takes away. I go back 10 weeks to the joy I felt when I discovered I was pregnant. And the pain at losing the baby, having only known for 5 days.

I'll praise You in this Storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
Every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm.

I lift my eyes into the hills
Where does my help come from
My help comes from the Lord
The maker of Heaven and Earth

I am trying to understand what He has for me, "For I know the plans I have for you" declares the Lord, "Plans to to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you," declares the Lord, "and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile." (Jeremiah 29:11-14)

As I re-read all of this I realize that there is no real flow to it and that my train of thought took off. But that's how I feel. If I seem distant this week, just try to remember where I am, and love me anyway.